All the struggles of being a single mom at a young age were real! It was 21 years ago when I gave birth to my one and only son, Keene. He was about a month old in this photo.
I knew my life had just begun. I was a hands-on Mom, no nanny, stuck with breastfeeding and lampin (cloth diapers) every day. I was still living with my ex around this time but a few months after, I decided to move back with my mom. I literally woke up one morning and told myself, this is not gonna be my life. I will not marry this guy even if he is the father of my son. I will not live in this house forever even if my ex-boyfriend’s parents and sisters were very accommodating. I guess I just knew what I’m destined for and couldn’t settle for less.
I had to face the consequences of standing up for myself and my son. I was left with no choice but to provide for my son on my own. I couldn’t go back to school and finish high school as I needed to start working to survive. I was young, scared, restless, broke, but I had to be strong.
Among all the challenges I had to face, there were 4 major struggles I had to deal with. I will talk about these in-depth, in hopes that you might relate to them, and that they may help you pull through.
The first is money. This is the biggest struggle as you will be left with shouldering all the load that is typically carried by two. It felt as if I’m the only one who created my son when the truth is, there’s the two of us who made it possible. At the age of 19, I had to find a job to be able to provide for our daily needs. I had to say that I finished my 2nd year of college to get a job. Because I believe that I can do the job and just because I was not able to graduate, I could not provide a better future for my son.
It is important to believe in your capabilities in this time of need and don’t let anything be a hindrance to landing a job whatever it takes. You have to do whatever it takes just to put food on your table. I cry tons of tears at the thought of finding ways to have money to pay for my son’s tuition fee, especially in times when I lose my job. It’s not easy, but you have to endure everything, continue fighting and never, ever give up!
Also, get organised, and keep telling your kid/s that you need to save up for every toy, every clothes, every meal you give them so they will know the importance and value of money at an early age and they will not grow up throwing tantrums every time you cannot buy them what they ask for. I remember my son would always say, “Mom when you have extra money, can you please buy me this toy?” and that moment, I knew I was doing something right.
Next is stress, fatigue, or better yet, pagod. Let’s face it, doing everything on your own is exhausting! Every day you will feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. There were times when my son was crying non-stop and I had to leave the room, crying and screaming out of frustration. It’s like saying, “Ano ba, nakakarindi na, kaya ko pa ba? Mababaliw na ako!” just because I’m the only one doing everything and you can’t oblige anyone to look after your child. Maloloshang ka.
That is why it is important to take care of yourself. To feel good from within. Take a breather and recharge. Do not feel guilty to take the time off and be away from your kid/s. Just like what they say at the safety demo during flight, you have to put on the oxygen mask to yourself first before assisting others so that both of you can survive – that’s why we have to love and care for ourselves above all.
The third is having a solid support system. It’s not easy to raise your kid alone, you need family and friends for encouragement especially if you’re working. I remember my son will get sick and I couldn’t take the time off from work! I will ask my mom to look after my son so I can do my job. Too many sacrifices, that’s why we need to ask for help when needed.
Yes, we feel sometimes that we’re superwoman but we do need help. Then, of course, there are a lot of grievances in life when you’re a single parent and you will need your friends to listen to you so you can vent out every pain and struggle that you face in life. Having the best support system makes life easier and happier even during the toughest of times.
Lastly is knowing to answer the inevitable question: “Where is my dad? Bakit wala akong tatay?” – This is the number one question that is so difficult to answer once our kid/s learn how to talk.
In my case, my son grew up knowing his dad as I did not want to be selfish, so even without financial support, I allowed Keene’s father to visit him at times. I would tell my son that his dad is busy with school and later on, busy with work. I also made him understand that his dad and I can no longer be together because it’s for the best. I also prayed that as he grows older, he will understand on his own because let’s face it, it really is difficult to explain these things to your child.
Also sometimes, we are so tempted to tell our kid/s how annoying their dad is! That while they’re having the time of their lives, there you are, doing everything just to fend for your child. But of course, we need to be better people and never say anything bad or negative to our kid/s about their father.
It is important to not fill our kid/s hearts with hatred, instead, mould them to be respectful, understanding, and accepting. After all, they’re still their dad and our kids won’t be around without them. Today, my son spends time with his father, grandparents, and aunts whenever they get the chance to. It’s uplifting and it truly fills my heart with joy because the past is past.
So, please remember, you are not alone! There are a lot of single moms/single parents around the world. And just because we’re raising our children by ourselves, it doesn’t mean our families are not normal and that we’re not raising them well.
We are enough. You are enough. I’m sure our children are proud of us and we should be proud of ourselves! Keep your head up and don’t care about what other people say! Stay positive and grateful. You got this! You can do this!!!
The fulfilment of having to raise another human being on your own and watching them grow into a good person is the best feeling in the world!
Cheers to all the Single Moms out there! Love and light to all.
